Dr. Eris,
Previously, my boyfriend and I were engaged but he cancelled the wedding, fearing finances and distance being that I’m only a second year grad student. I was so shocked and angry, but I didn’t want to breakup with him. I spent a good part of a year loving and resenting him simultaneously, but I decided I was sinking to an all-time desperate low and started to focus on myself a little bit more. Needless to say we started falling in love again (even more than before) and I knew another engagement was coming. I was impatient and hopeful, but not too whiny this time.
About a month ago we went out with a group of friends and one of the girls there is openly bisexual. I never questioned my sexuality; I have very strong attractions to men. I don’t even drink heavily, but I was celebrating the end of two exams and all of us were drinking pretty excessively. I was also taking an antidepressant for OCD/depression (broken engagement). I have kissed girls at college parties before, but mostly as a way of seeking cheap attention from men (stupid, I know). Anyway, I started kissing this girl and it all of a sudden became a good idea to take it up a notch. My boyfriend also encouraged me to kiss her, and I made extra efforts to make it really “hot.”
I can’t even believe this happened, but we ended up having a threesome. My interaction with the girl was not as “hot” as it is in the movies. I didn’t like it, but I have such anxiety about what it means that I decided to go there (even very drunk). I kept saying things about our wedding during the act and how awesome I am for giving my boyfriend this experience, which is odd because we never talked about ever wanting to do this. I was withholding sex until we were committed again. When I saw them together, I cried. It was so horrible to watch.
The whole thing ended when I broke, and the girl left. My boyfriend and I talked about it and we both said we didn’t like the experience and it will never happen again. He still wants to be engaged, and I do too. But I have so much anxiety that I feel numb inside. I’m questioning the event because I don’t want to be with women, but I can’t figure out why it happened. Also, I keep reading how these things destroy relationships. Is there hope for us Dr. Eris? Will I ever feel again?
Dr. Eris Suggests:
Fantasy is an important part of your sexuality. Different images and ideas that you have are healthy and keep you in touch with your desires. So, just because you have experienced kissing women, or fantasize about it, does not mean that you are gay.
Threesomes are a common fantasy that many men and women have. However, I usually suggest not doing it because a fantasy is usually better than the reality. I believe that if you want to experience having a threesome, you should spend plenty of time communicating about it beforehand. It usually isn’t a good idea unless you have an open or polyamorous relationship because sharing somebody else with your partner can be harder than anticipated.
The first thing I suggest for you and your boyfriend is to let go of the guilt of what you experienced. Both of you said that you didn’t like the experience and that it will not happen again. Trying to figure out why it happened will only increase the anxiety that you are experiencing. The two of you were under the influence when you choose to undergo the act that evening. It was a decision made out of insecurity and impulsivity.
The two of you need to find the joy and passion within your relationship and build on that. Communicate with one another and take the time to pay attention to your relationship. Talk about what the two of you want to build together as a couple. In your situation the both of you WANT to make your relationship work. I always say that the more you focus on the problem (i.e. the three’s a crowd experience) the bigger that problem will get. Instead, move on from that evening. Focus on the solution of what the two of you need to do to make your relationship work and do more of those things.
As you experienced before, when you started to focus on yourself you began to fall in love again. Men find women attractive when then feel secure with themselves. You need to focus on you, while increasing your self-esteem. If you continue to feel anxiety and worry, I suggest that you see a counselor to help you learn how to reduce the heavy feelings that you are experiencing.
Remember this: like any sexual fantasy, the choice is yours – just make sure that everybody involved is fully on board.
Dr. Eris
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