Dr. Eris,
My boyfriend and I are 23 and 25 and have been together for over two years with some bumps in the road. The main problem we’re (I’m) having is that he never wants to have sex. I never used to care too much about sex until I got with him and I want it even more now that he doesn’t want to. I’ve tried everything from sexy bra and panties, porn, waiting for him to come to me, offering to go down on him (which I don’t usually do). We didn’t even have sex on his birthday. It hurts because I feel extremely unwanted and unattractive. I end up crying sometimes and depending, he will get mad at me for it. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t have much to say and usually avoids in-depth communication. I’ve also laid off but nothing is changing.
What do I do?
Dr. Eris Suggests:
We all know the stereotype. Men want sex, sex, sex and more sex. And, they want it now. We feel attractive when our man finds us attractive and wants to have sex with us…. well, most of the time. But, when our man doesn’t want to have sex with us we get confused, frustrated, hurt and begin to feel insecure.
It’s important to remember that just because the stereotype is that men want to have sex all of the time, doesn’t mean that it is true. Sometimes men have a low libido for various reasons including medical diagnosis, medication, stress and anxiety, exhaustion and anger.
In your case, it sounds like the decline in sex is a result of stress and anxiety due to the “bumps in the road.” When there is a lot of arguing in a relationship, sex can lessen. Often times, men do not like to engage in make-up sex.
As difficult as this is to say, it sounds like your boyfriend is unable and unwilling to meet your wants, desires and needs. When you express your concerns to him, he avoids in-depth communication and makes you feel bad. This means he is unable and unwilling to have any sort of emotional connection with you.
You need to ask yourself what you want from this man. You have already given him two years of your life. Do you want to give him more? Remember, you are young and should be enjoying life! Relationships are difficult enough. It’s important that you choose to be with somebody who can listen to and empathize with your feelings and concerns.
I suggest having a heart to heart talk with him and ask for an honest answer. The conversation can go something like this; “I love you and have some wonderful dreams for a future with you. But, I also realize that we have had some difficult times. Because of our lack of emotional and physical connection I feel unwanted and unattractive. Do you want to go to couples counseling to see if we can work through this together, or do you think that it is better for us to separate?” Listen closely to his answer. He will either say, “Yes, I love you and want to make this work.” Or, “I’m not ready for that sort of commitment.” Or, he will give you a non-answer, which should be answer enough for you. If it is that later too, I would question yourself if you want to continue staying in a relationship that makes you feel less than.
I am sending you a free E-Book copy of my book, Break-Up Emergency. A guide to transform your Break UP into a Break THROUGH. It has lots of exercises in it that can help you through this process.
Good Luck! I wish you lots of love in your life. To your Break Through success!
Dr. Eris
