Dr. Eris,
My husband and I have been married almost 11 years, together 14 years. Sex used to be a good 3-4 times a week… even after having kids it was 2-3 times a week.
But, having become a mother of two boys on the Autism Spectrum, and one with ADHD as well as seizures on the horizon, sex is maybe once a week… What can we do…. do we schedule it?
Dr. Eris Suggests,
Children have a huge impact on a couple’s sex life. And when a child (and in your case three children!) has disabilities, it complicates the issue even more. Parents become overwhelmed with the day-to-day responsibilities and the last thing on their mind is SEX.
The good news is that you and your husband are still having sex once a week (for the most part).
Although studies show that having sex once a week is average for most married couples, we cannot quantify how much sex is enough sex. Some couples desire sex 1-3 times a week, while others get along just fine without much sex.
A problem begins to manifest when you are polarized as a couple – when one is unhappy with the quantity and quality of their sex life and the other is satisfied. This is when resentment builds up. The person with the lower sex drive feels constantly harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived and becomes angry. Sometimes the tension grows to the point where sex stops and one person in the relationship strays by having an affair (emotional, virtual or physical).
In order to reduce the current tension that you are currently feeling, you must communicate with your husband. Have a conversation about how many times a week you both want to be having sex with each other. Do both of you have similar sexual desires? Or, does one of you want more sex?
The truth is that over half of married couples need to make a decision and an effort to feel desire. If you are going to wait for spontaneity to happen when you are constantly in the midst of busy schedules, baths, dinner time, dealing with tantrums, sleepless nights, and your phones ringing off the hook, then you are never going to have sex.
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as they do their jobs and children.
You ask if you should schedule sex. The answer to that question is YES! You should have no shame in marking your calendar for that one on one time with the person you love.
On that day, set the mood early with some simple flirtations (a wink of the eye, a sexy text, compliments, a pat on the rear).
If it is in your budget, hire a babysitter once a week for date night. Encourage each other to have a life and hobbies outside of the kids. The fact is that if your kids are your life, your relationship and sex life will suffer.
Remember, your relationship is the glue that will keep your family together.
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