Dr. Eris,
I get sex once a month if I am lucky and will be married a year in July. My husband wants to divorce me because he thinks I lied about how much I owed on my student loans, which at the time I told him the amount that I believed it to be, and I wasn’t far off. He keeps on insisting that I am lying.
Our marriage has been declining each month ever since we got married. I even think he cheated because of a certain situation that is hard to deny with evidence of a missing condom from a box, that he had hid and I had found unopened at the time, when I saw it next it was open. That was during a time when we didn’t have sex.
I feel like when we got married he told himself that he was ready for marriage, but I don’t think he took he vows seriously, because he is holding up the ” for richer or for poorer, during good times and in bad” part.
I myself have gone to therapy and I have tried to find ways I can communicate with him. It hasn’t worked. I try to do nice little things for him, but it seems unless I am doing all the cleaning and cooking he isn’t happy, and this is while I am taking 16 hours of school. He doesn’t want me to work but he complains about the money and he, hate to sound mean, but keeps getting less and less motivated to do anything which means he is getting more and more out of shape, which causes him to be in pain because of his back being messed up.
I try to always communicate calmly but it is met with angry silence, or ” YES, I am fine, leave me alone.” I think I got married to a guy who didn’t really want to be married or doesn’t want to accept all that goes along with being married. I am at my wits end and I will say that I am super frustrated in every aspect of our marriage and I am sick and tired of acting like I am okay. I am tired of being accused for everything that is wrong in our marriage and being put down about my weight and my legs when I am maybe 8 lbs. over weight versus his 35 to 45 lbs. over weight. I am especially pissed that even my parents have more sex than I do in a month (2 to 3 times a week), and they are 65 and 66.
What do you think I should do? I suggested a counselor but he is automatically asking for a divorce. I know he hasn’t emotionally invested himself and I want him to realize that he is really messing up a good thing, and maybe he needs to wake up before I am gone.
So what should I do?
Dr. Eris Suggests:
The Honeymoon Blues are normal in the first year of marriage. There is something about marriage, the act of thinking that you are going to be with a person until death do you part, that brings up unexpected tensions for many. To be honest, many feel like their marriage is not going to make it during the first year.
However, it sounds like you and your husband are having a particularly difficult time. Very little sex, lack of trust, possible affairs and emotional unavailability.
Your foundation is NOT solid.
In order for a marriage to work you must have a solid foundation. I suggest that all couples talk about the 12 Compoents of a REALationship before getting married so that they know what you are getting themselves into. These 12 components are: Communication, resolving conflicts, expectations of marriage, money matters, recreational activities to share together, views on children and parenting, family and friends, husband and wife roles, family backgrounds, religious views and practices, personality concerns and your sexual relationship.
Did the two of you discuss any of these before tying the knot?
You want me to tell you what I think you should do. However, the one question you must ask yourself is, “Do you want to stay in this marriage?” What do YOU want?
If you want to see if this marriage can survive, then I suggest that the two of you get a solution focused therapist to discuss all of these matters before dissolving your marriage. This way you will be more clear how you want to move forward. If you decide that you want to give this one last shot with your husband tell him, “Even though we have been having a really difficult time in our marriage, I would love to see if we can go to counseling and work things out before we decide to get divorced. You mean too much to me to end things the way they are right now. Will you be willing to do that with me?”
If your husband says yes, then great. Move forward and find a therapist that you both feel comfortable with. If he decides that he does not want to go to counseling and that he wants a divorce, you might be better off being with somebody that will love and cherish you. I suggest that you continue staying in your own individual counselling as well. It sounds like you need to continue to work on increasing your self-esteem and finding ways to be in loving situations rather than toxic and draining ones.
I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time.
Dr. Eris
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